Friday, August 4, 2006

The Dancing Zombie Terrorists of Minneapolis

My old hometown police are a mixed bunch. They can be polite and helpful, or they can be raging lunatics like 1st Precinct Sergeant Ed Nelson, who recently gave standing orders to shoot on site any dancing zombies his officers might come across in the street.

The zombies in question are a gaggle of teenagers who dressed up like zombies and danced to the music that was coming out of their backpack stereo systems, which, it is very important to note, looked exactly like backpack stereo systems. Sounds harmless enough, especially considering the fact that they were dancing in the full light of day, which is not your typical zombie behavior.

Oh hey, what's this? Their zombie dancing was a form of protest against the wars? Call the bomb squad, stat! The kids were escorted into the 1st Precinct, tightly hand-tied, left to overheat in a locked squad van, thrown in jail, and placed on a Homeland Security list. And the sergeant who gave the standing orders to shoot these kids wasn't the only psycho.

It gets worse. (Story by Lydia Howell.)

Bonus Trivia: the story appears in an alma mater of mine, Pulse of the Twin Cities. I used to sell ads and write the occasional arts review for Pulse.

Thursday, August 3, 2006

Poll Results: Who You Hate

The new poll did not bring in as many respondents as the old poll. I do not know why. Perhaps it has something to do with its utter pointlessness. The question was "Who Do You Hate?" and you were only allowed to hate one thing.

I don't know how to say this, so I'll just say it. I am very disappointed in all of you. It is understandable that you hate Rapists, Murderers, and Adolf Eichmann, but one of you actually stated that you hate America! How could you? America never hurt anyone, ever! You bastard. You killed Kenny.

And then there were you psychos who stated that you hate Rainbows. Why? WHY? I love rainbows. They are my friend. They are pretty and nice I like them I'm hungry I have to go to the bathroom are we there yet are we there yet?

Nobody hated Whitey, General Pinochet, or Mohandas Gandhi. I don't understand how you could place them in the same category. Whitey has suppressed blacks, and Pinochet has killed thousands and thousands of his political opponents, but Gandhi was all, "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." He was a total pacifist. So it makes sense that you don't hate him, but you don't hate Whitey and Pinochet? Oh well. I guess polls don't lie, so I guess we have arrived at a consensus on the similarities between Whitey, Pinochet, and Gandhi.

Many hated "Other", whoever that is. You people probably hate squirrels. That's my best guess.

Your responses were truly revolting and disheartening, but given the choices, the last person or group of people I would have thought you would hate the most are the Telemarketers. In fact, the plurality of voters hate Telemarketers more than anybody on the planet, apparently. You hate them even more than Pinochet, who, as I stated above, nobody seems to hate. I mean that is just wrong. My girlfriend is a telemarketer, OK? I suppose you think I should send her to some International War Crimes Tribunal now. She's just doing her job, OK? Stop hatin' on my girlfriend! Look, she's crying. Hope you're happy.

You sick fucks.

Results of "Who Do You Hate?"

15 voters

America 6.7%
Whitey 0.0%
Rapists 13.3%
Murderers 13.3%
Rainbows 13.3%
General Pinochet 0.0%
Adolph Eichmann 13.3%
Mohandas Gandhi 0.0%
Telemarketers 26.7%
Other 13.3%

Join Us (Reality Is Dead)

Join Us (Reality is Dead)

It's what's on the mind. That's what matters. With a clatter
Mine fell to pieces when I learned about 9/11 and now I'm a hatter.
Checked some Alex Jones, pocketed some Loose Change,
Brushed up on my physics with Steve Jones, now I'm deranged.
Immortal Technique and Mos Def found Bin Laden.
Ministry called the Lies and told me not to listen to
The mainstream and the underground are locked in battle:
The humans are fighting to convert the sheep and the cattle.

Join us, join us.

We're in the majority now, but the sheep still call us crazy
And they're right, that's what happens when you reassess your identity.
Like "Who Killed John O'Neill?" the question possesses us.
A couple dozen ways, that's how it splits us:
One says the false flag attack is a tactic of the past,
Another says those airborne cell phone calls could not have come to pass
And the hole in the Pentagon was obviously too small,
Yet others still worship America like an idol.

Join us, join us.

We're the few and the proud, the individualistic thinkers.
We swallowed the lies hook line and sinker just like you
But shook ourselves loose when we saw
World Trade Seven come down at the speed of freefall:
Straight down onto its own footprint, believe it:
Controlled demolition and theatrical pyrotechnics,
And don't even get me started on 9/11 TV Fakery;
My brain got cooked at the conspiracy theory bakery.

Join us, join us.

I'm a stark raving lunatic and what I do is irresponsible.
You know it and I know it, but unfortunately the asylum's full.
They shouldn't let people like me go around spewing nutty nonsense.
They should lock my ass up and torture it 'til my my ass repents.
If only we could silence all the dissenting voices
And give the voters even fewer identical choices
And put every living Muslim into concentration camps
Then America'd be safe, wave ya flag, we're the champs.

Join us, join us.

There's no such thing as white evil or government-sponsored terror,
Unless of course they're black or brown or yellow or Arab.
Bullshit! (That's a show by Penn and Teller and that's fine
But even those irreverent hacks lack the balls to buck the inner party line.)
Shame! Shame! Shame on the complicit!
It's hard enough for the common man to even look at it,
The mountain of evidence, the subject of your neglect;
The avalanche of consequence to come I blame on your sect.

Join us, join us.

9/11 is the bedrock of the modern American mind.
It's our national Genesis, the source of all space and crime.
The Twin Towers collapsed billions upon billions of times,
Erasing the past with no button that says "Rewind".
The truth is now that which appears with 9/11
In the same sentence. And three plus three is seven.
I saw a billboard for ice coffee that read,
"Hot is the new cold." Reality is dead.

Join us, join us.

The 9/11 Commission Report has over 115
Lies and distortions - we licked that plate clean.
And the media's full of pussies and cowards and they just sit back
While the brave and the free seek truth and come under attack.
That's okay, we don't need 'em and they can't hurt us
Cuz we stick together as we investigate these murders
And we're happy to lose our grip on your so-called reality.
I suggest you inspect your definition of sanity.

Join us, join us.