Monday, July 17, 2006

Bush Will Blow Your Mind

George W. Bush, my heart goes out to you. If you need a good shoulder to cry on, you know whose phone to tap.

Incredible, isn't it. He really was a sharp dude. You may not have agreed with what he said, but by God, he said it, and good. So. What did happen? Why does nobody ever talk about how obviously intelligent he used to be? I offer six hypotheses in all sincerity:

1. Presenile dementia. He really is just losing it a la Reagan.
2. Slow poisoning. His cooks, Laura, and others close to him are conspiring against him to destabilize his mind via poison, thus making it more pliable, so that his status as a puppet will intensify.
3. Lie quota exceeded. He has lied too much, thus his conscience is waging a vengeful assault on the language centers in his brain.
4. Anti-depressants. Somewhat related to the third hypothesis. The stress of having to lie about an entire country has cast him into the bowels of depression. He is compensating with Prozac, Wellbutrin, or something else. Anti-depressants are notorious for numbing a person's thought and speech processes.
5. Coke burnout. He may still have been on a steady diet of coke during the time when the above video was shot, thus keeping him sharp. Subsequent withdrawal and abstinence left his brain without the acquired need for "wings".
6. Chronic stage fright. The moment his presidential prospects became likely, he lost his nerve permanently.

Any other theories?